The Joys of Spam

NOTE: Although arranged here for three readers, any number may be used, although fewer than three or more than eight would probably not be effective.

A bare stage hung with black curtains. Three music stands evenly spaced, high stools behind the stands. Three readers, dressed formally, enter, carrying leather bound portfolios. They bow to each other, then to the audience, place portfolios on the music stands, then begin to read.

IN UNISON: The Joys of Spam

A:

Shall I compare thee to a can of SPAM?
Thou art more pink and more gelatinous.
Much ill is said about this fine "SPiced hAM"
Yet never is it called keratinous.*
Sometime too hard the arteries are made
And often is the heart's beating too dim,
And every glob of fat in time is laid
Upon the waist, for Jenny Craig to trim.
But thy eternal pinkness shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fat thou earn'd
Nor shall Death brag thy heart attack SPAM made.
When in eternal sloth thy life was burn'd
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see
So long will SPAM's blue cans bring joy to thee.

B:

Like some spongy rock
A granite, my piece of Spam
In sunlight on my plate

C:

Pink beefy temptress
I can no longer remain
Vegetarian

A:

Saint Peter, I've come!
What? There's no SPAM in heaven?
Death, where is thy sting?

B:

Blue can of steel

what promise do you hold?
salt flesh so ripe

C:

Can of metal, slick
soft center, so cool, moistening
I yearn for your salt

B: [In the style of M'ssrs Gilbert & Sullivan.]

I now confess proclivity,
For alimentativity,
Involving parts ambiguous,
Of that which once a piggy was.

A cumulus gelatinous,
Ingesting which will fatten us,
And raise us to such ecstacy,
That folks will crane their necks to see.

This mottled pink comestible,
Which most find indigestible,
I find quite indispensible,
And gorge 'til I'm insensible.

So grab the can, examine it
And if it says there's SPAM in it,
Decant it to a plastic plate,
Then fill your face and masticate.

A:

clad in metal, proud
no mere salt-curing for you
you are not bacon

C:

If Satan had used
SPAM to tempt Eve, would we now
Live in Paradise?

B:

Grotesque pinkish mass
In a blue can on a shelf
Quivering alone

A:

You carved my figure
From the block of SPAM. Love or
Infatuation?

C:

and who dares mock Spam?
you? you? you are not worthy
of one rich pink fleck

ALL IN UNISON:

Oh tin of pink meat
I ponder what you may be:
Snout or ear or feet?

B:

In the cool morning
I fry up a slab of Spam
A dog barks next door

C:

Spammerwocky

'Twas tiffin, and the gelid SPAM
Sat glist'ning moistly on the Spode:
All greasy was the noisesome reek
On midday air bestowed.

B:

"Beware the acid reflux son!
The fiery belch, the throat that stings!
Beware the withering stares of those,
Who find that pigs have wings"

A:

He took the proper fork in hand:
Long time each gristly bite he chewed--
A thought! To spit it back on plate--
He could not, it would be too rude.

B:

And as he pondered this faux pas,
Regarding porcine jelly,
A mighty belch, that seared like flame,
Came rumbling from his belly.

A:

One chew, one chew and then you're through
And top it with a Snickers snack.
You think it down, but as you frown,
It comes eructing back.

B:

"And hast thou dined on SPAM, my son?
Come--have some Digel foolish boy,
Enjoy the charms of Hammer's Arms,
The Pepto-Bismol ploy.

C:

'Twas tiffin, and the gelid SPAM
Sat glist'ning moistly on the Spode:
All greasy was the noisesome reek
On midday air bestowed.

[pause]

B:

Supermarket aisle.
We reached for the same SPAM can.
We exchanged numbers.

A:

I buried the ring
Inside a loaf. You took a
Bite, spat, then said, "Yes!"

C:

Vegan terrorists
Storm headquarters of Hormel.
A hogstage crisis.

A:

Ears, snouts, and innards,
A homogenous mass
Pass another slice

B:

Cube of cold pinkness
Yellow specks of porcine fat
Give me a spork please

IN UNISON:

Slicing your sweet self
Salivating in suspense
Sizzle, sizzle.. .Spam!